2014 ROYAL RUMBLE

THE PEOPLE DEMANDED IT

OMG LET SLIP THE DOGS OF PRETENDING TO FIGHT IT IS TIME TO RUMBLE IT IS TIME TO ROOOOOOYAL RUMBLE IT IS TIME TO TWO THOUSAND FOURTEEEEEEEEN ROOOOOOYAL RUMBLE I WAS SO EAGER TO GET HOME TO WATCH THIS AFTER JUDO THAT I INADVERTENTLY BACKED INTO THE SNOWBANK BESIDE MY DRIVEWAY ALSO I BEEPED THE HORN A LITTLE BY MISTAKE MAYBE INSTEAD OF RUSHING LIKE THAT I SHOULD HAVE JUST COME STRAIGHT HOME FROM JUDO AND NOT STOPPED FOR TREATS AT THE GAS STATION YEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH WHY AM I NOT WEARING THE DANIEL BRYAN SHIRT I SENT AWAY FOR WITH THE TAPED-UP HANDS FOR GRAPPLING ON IT YEEEAAAHH TAPED-UP GRAPPLING CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP TAPED-UP GRAPPLING CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP

THEN/NOW/FOREVER it says as it shows different wrestlers from then and now arguably forever (who can say) as they play some chords on the piano to give you a feeling and then a weighty voice suggests to us WE ALL HAVE DESIRES WE ALL DREAM TO REACH PLACES ONLY A FEW HAVE BEEN OF MOMENTS THAT COULD MAKE US IMMORTAL SOMETIMES THE ONLY THING BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS DREAM IS BUT A SMALL AND SEEMINGLY INSIGNIFICANT DISTANCE A THIN LINE BETWEEN ALMOST AND EVERYTHING ON THIS NIGHT TWO MEN CONTINUE TO REDEFINE THE FUTURE IN WHAT MIGHT BE THE BIGGEST REMATCH IN WWE HISTORY ADDING ANOTHER PAGE TO THIS STORIED RIVALRY AND WHEN THEIR BATTLE IS OVER ANOTHER WILL BE WAITING ON THIS NIGHT AS THIRTY SUPERSTARS FACE AN UNPREDICTABLE AND CAREER-DEFINING MOMENT AN ANIMAL RETURNS ALL FOR THE RARE OPPORTUNITY AT GLORY EVERY OPPORTUNITY HAS A BEGINNING EVERY LEGACY STARTS WITH A DREAM AND TONIGHT NO DREAM IS TOO BIG TONIGHT THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA BEGINS and lol the guy said that all so weightily that I could type that whole thing out as he said it which is pretty remarkable because I am not a particularly fast typer or anything that is just how weighty things got for a minute there. 

HERE WE ARE IN PITTSBURGH HERE AND GOTT IN HEIMEL IT IS THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES DOES THAT NOT PUT YOU DEEPLY IN MIND OF THE PRE-CHRISTIAN GERMANIC NORTH IT IS DANIEL BRYAN lol holy shit people love Daniel Bryan don't they and in this respect I am most assuredly people and on commentary we have Micheal Cole who I guess I am still surprised is no longer heel Micheal Cole even though that was probably years ago now I don't remember also we have Jerry "The King" Lawler as a vestige of the feudal order in all the complexity of its social modalities and also JBL who has already made fun of fat kids which is mean but there is an obesity epidemic so maybe this makes him a tweener? I haven't watched any wrestling since (the) Summerslam really but (the) Summerslam had a couple of pretty sick matches like Brock Lesnar vs. CM Punk and also oh yeah Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena in pretty much the best match and Daniel Bryan won and everything but then Randy Orton came out and ruined it in league with Triple H and even more than I hate power I hate those complicit with power because it is just sickening. On this night Daniel Bryan continues his feud with the southern gothic Wyatt family and the real insight of the whole Wyatt family situation is that yeah the country is kvlt as fvkk like there are weird things that happen in the country even if you don't wear sheep masks and coveralls but that especially happen if you do. This guy is Bray Wyatt specifically and he is kind of a big hairy tub of goo under whose sway I gather Daniel Bryan fell for a time but out from under whose sway he has since been liberated when it turned out he still had his standard wrestling gear on under his coveralls. 

I am told that #NewAgeOutlaws is trending on twitter because on the Royal Rumble kickoff show they won the tag team titles and people are happy about it but in this respect I am in no way people because I haaaaaate what has come to be known as the Attitude Era because it was in truth awful like go back and watch the 1998 or 1999 Royal Rumbles and you will find that no matter how enormous a boner you had for misogyny at the time those are just not good Royal Rumbles to watch at all. The only positive association I have with the New Age Outlaws is that my brother exclusively like exclusively played as Mr. Ass in the context of n64 wrestling games and would perform his ass-based taunts frequently but judiciously; it would always work in terms of storytelling and ring psychology. 

This match is awesome, as Daniel Bryan is doing a lot of his really good moves and the crowd is as into it as can be and Bray Wyatt might be a tub of goo but he is a first-rate tub of goo and has this Jake "The Snake" Roberts intensity to the weird things he says to people. And now Daniel Bryan is pretending that he has a concussion after having his head wanged off the ring post but you can tell that it isn't a real concussion because the announcers are talking about how Daniel Bryan has recently had a concussion and might have another one here so it isn't a real one this time for real unless it is and I am lost in metatextuality and hoooooolllly shiiiiiiit Bray Wyatt just did this thing where he bridged over and creepy crawled his way out of the corner it was disturbing as helllllllll I wonder if anybody made a gif of that lol yeah my friend Bill did and you need to see it: 

wuuuuuut the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck is thaaaaaaaaaaaat lol this guy is a genius also that is not the only great thing my friend Bill did in relation to the Royal Rumble for example he made a joke about how in France they call the Royal Rumble the Royale with Men and that joke is legit imo that joke is official. As is this opening match! I don't know how hard these guys are actually hitting each other but it seems like they are hitting each other really really hard and all of the non-hitting parts of the match are super intense also like the holds and the moving around and just their ways and notions but also yeah the hitting. Like for instance, Daniel Bryan was just clotheslined with such ferocity that I was like OH SHIT despite having seen I don't know like thousands of clotheslines? Think about how many of those you have seen but this is a top 1% clothesline that just happened. Also it would seem Bray Wyatt's finishing move is called Sister Abigail? Can that be right? That is an amazing name for a wrestling move, like an all-time great name, and the move is itself reasonably gnar, particularly when it slams a dude's head into the barricade on the outside; it is a twisting move that drives a dude's face into things I guess and woah ok he kisses Daniel Bryan before he does it again and that is the match and the crowd is silent only moments after a pretty serious this-is-awesome chant and I am with them in both voiced enthusiasm and awed silence; that was wild. SOUTHERN GOTHIC CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP SOUTHERN GOTHIC CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP

Ben Roethlisberger is in the building ladies and gentleman hide your divas hahahahaha it is no laughing matter actually that guy is a monster maybe

A panel has been convened consisting of Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels and Hacksaw "Jim" Duggan and Duggan looks really really good which is not what I would necessarily have expected given the fact that he existed in the 1980s and knew the Iron Shiek and those guys.

Up next is Brock Lesnar vs. the Big Show and I don't like Big Show matches at all but shoot-style Brock Lesnar is good-style Brock Lesnar in my view so who knows what to expect here ok lol this is already great as under Paul E. Heymanously's direction Brock Lesnar is wailing on the Big Show with a chair before the match has even begun so he can't be disqualified but this is nevertheless a pretty clear trespass against the spirit of the rules if not the letter. An assemblage of video clips prior to the match revealed that Brock Lesnar has been shook in recent weeks by the extent to which the Big Show has been able to toss him around owing in no small part to the glandular disorder that has defined Paul Wight's professional life. Ah I see so just as the bell rang to begin the match, Lesnar attempted to strike him with a chair once more but his assault was cut short by a right hand to the maw that sends Lesnar reeling which is I guess in keeping with Lesnar's shoot-style as whilst shooting we learned that Lesnar does not like getting hit in the face *at all* which I do not say as a diss because I feel the same way entirely. Big Show is swearing A LOT in this match and they are muting him but the guy with the Pirates hat and the purple Macho Man shirt ringside is standing up and loving the shit out of every one of those swears. Woah this match is already over as Lesnar hits his F5 super spinny fireman's carry manoeuvre which is no mean feat against a man of the Big Show's carriage and that's the match but Lesnar is affecting a glassy-eyed stare that suggests he is still basically out from the punch; that is really good. And now many more chair shots. Not much happened in this match from like a MOVEZ perspective I guess but I really liked it! Brock Lesnar just pushed the referee extremely hard like if there is any other pushing that rises to that level in the remainder of this Royal Rumble show I will be surprised, impressed, and grateful. JBL thinks Lesnar has crossed the line in his post-match enmuggening of the Big Show in which bits of steel chair have actually broken off the steel chair, and he reminds us that the Big Show has a family to support but maybe his good lady wife is the primary earner in that household have you even considered that. 

There is an ad for getting your taxes done by people.

Rollins and and Ambrose and Reigns of the Shield are now on the screen talking directly into the camera about how they are feeling about tonight's Royal Rumble match and at first they seem united but then dissension rears its fangèd head and I like this because it harkens back to the time when there were always videos about wrestlers' feelings about the Royal Rumble match; I hope there are many more of these to follow! Oh ok no it is instead a dumb interview with Randy Orton who is dumb. I have no doubt mentioned to you previously that I was live in attendance at (the) Summerslam in Toronto where Randy Orton became the youngest world's champion by defeating Chris Benoit in an era prior to dogs even being anywhere near the enclosed pool area and it was a pretty good match but at the time I was a little sad that Benoit lost but eventually he would do things arguably even sadder so perspective is important.

2 Chainz and Wiz Khalifa "We Own It" is the official song of this Royal Rumble.

A video package shows elements of the ongoing conflict between Randy Orton and John Cena including how Randy Orton punched John Cena's dad after Orton lost a non-title match against Kofi Kingston? Whatever, Randy Orton is dumb I hate him. Also why are they talking about him being the first guy to unite the titles but like what of Y2J that guy was the best and he should come out and codebreaker fools imo hahahahah yeaaaaah coooodebreakerrrrrrr is he gonna be in this one? JBL suggests that if you could build a sports entertainer from the ground up it would look like Randy Orton whereas I think you would build one whose beard parts connected better. However much I dislike Randy Orton (it is a lot) I think it is nonsense that he comes out before John Cena and if your view is that the order of the ring introductions or rather the *entrances* does not matter so long as the old-timey *in-ring* ring introductions are handled in the correct order then we just disagree on this issue my friend because it ALL matters. Also let me just say straight up that I like John Cena and I want him to win. My sincere hope here is that Randy Orton's time is up and John Cena's time is now; that Randy Orton can't see John Cena, because John Cena's time is now.

DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP is how the crowd greets this heavyweight title tilt and I agree with that very much but they are booing and chanting BORING less than a minute in which idk if that is appropriate but now the chants have turned to the dueling LET'S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS which are great lololol ok they are right back to DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP YES YES YES YES. JBL acknowledges the Daniel Bryan chants and says he is not sure the crowd realizes Daniel Bryan wrestled in the first match and lost but I am pretty sure that is exactly what they realize JBL. Micheal Cole says that Randy Orton has made it abundantly clear that he cares about no one but himself and that's true he is just so smug. I believe there was a RANDY SAVAGE CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP chant which is always decorous in my view and yeeeeeeeeeeah Y2J Y2J is the chant lol yeah codebreakers for everybody imo get that guy out here for fvkkn codebreakerzzzzzzzzz also the crowd is not interested in this match. This is not a bad match or anything I don't think but how many times have these guys wrestled, it has to be a lot, right? I am watching this and thinking yeah ok this is an alright wrestling match but I guess people who watch this stuff all the time are probably like this is just too many times man too many times. YOU BOTH SUCK YOU BOTH SUCK is a dark chant to chant at a wrestling match and I don't know if I would every do it.

Randy Orton might be smug but he gets really low and deep on that powerslam he does when the guy comes off the ropes and thinking about it more maybe that is actually *why* he is so smug it is hard to say. Yeah this is really not a bad match and these wrestlers are wrestling hard at each other but the crowd will not engage with it in earnest; they are just like well whoever wins it will be champion or whatever. I can't blame them, I guess, in that whatever. REF BUMP REF BUMP REF BUMP OMG RANDY ORTON TAPPED TO A STEPOVER TOEHOLD FACELOCK BUT THERE WAS NO ONE THERE TO END THE MATCH OFFICIALLY AND RANDY ORTON GOT UP AND HIT JOHN CENA WITH THE BELT BUT THERE WAS NO ONE THERE TO END THE MATCH OFFICIALLY and I don't know that I agree with the crowd that THIS IS AWFUL CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP but I am definitely like IT'S PRO FORMA CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP IT'S PRO FORMA CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. Finishing moves and kickouts at twooooo are being exchanged. There is now a WE WANT DIVAS CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP chant that one assumes was started by Ben Roethlisberger hahahahahaha actually that's not funny what if he really hurts people and their lives aren't the same after. 

John Cena employs the (formerly crippler) crossface, a grim hold, before yet more finishing moves are exchanged, indeed each man's *opponent's* finishing moves are exchanged and whatever or something. The crowd is now taking this much more seriously at this point than I am oh ok wait the power is out UNDERTAKER? no it is the Wyatt family who just show up and stand there for a second and freak John Cena out and Randy Orton hits an RKO for the finish and then after the match the Wyatt family "does a number" on John Cena whilst the assembled throngs chant for Daniel Bryan (who does not appear). They play John Cena's music as he leaves but I have no idea why they would play that in this context as he just lost then got wrestlepummeled so what is there to celebrate exactly.

HEY IT IS THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS these guys are terrible. THE NEXT PPV IS THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER I never watch that one.

Pre-taped comments from Royal Rumble participants! I love these! The Miz is awful! The Usos are good-natured! Fandango is just so full of himself but he is irresistible (he wants to main event the big daaaaaahhhhhhnse)! Big E Langston seems to be trying to get a catchphrase of "that's where it's at" to happen I guess! Batista is back I don't care! Damien Sandow is tremendous he is like ignoramus ignoramus ignoramus miscreant ignoramous! Ryback claims to possess unlimited energy that is kind of a dumb claim I doubt it a lot! Rey Mysterio just said booyaka and I am so tremendously over Rey Mysterio and have been for years who could like him except very small children!

Back to the panel, where Jim Duggan picks Dolph Ziggler (plz plz plz), Shawn Michaels picks either a Shield guy or CM Punk (as long as Punk is a heel he has my support otherwise no he gets too le bad boy and calls too many people "clown shoes"), and Ric Flair picks Batista whose work I have never much cared for though I like that he has recently received his BJJ purple belt good for him belt promotions are super exciting! A good BJJ purple belt is a handful on the ground! 

AND IT IS NOW ENOUGH MESSING AROUND IT IS TIME FOR THE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH ITSELF BUT BEFORE THAT GETS GOING LET ME SAY THAT THE OPENING MATCH WAS SIIIIKKKKKK AND LESNAR VS. BIG SHOW WAS BETTER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AND THE CROWD MADE THE TITLE MATCH A METATEXTUAL SPECTACLE SO I AM PRETTY HAPPY WITH THINGS SO FAR AAAAAAAAANNNNNDDDD IN AT NUMBER ONE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS . . .

CM PUNK who is attired in a simple grey hoodie representing the Gracie Jiu-Jitsu gym at which he trains and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that were I ever entered in the Royal Rumble at all let alone the number one (or two) spots where you get a proper elaborate ring entrance I would definitely wear a hoodie representing my judo club and I would tell all my judo pals that I was in the Royal Rumble and they should watch even if they don't like wrestling because this event is important to me. In at number two is SETH ROLLINS of the Shield and one's thoughts turn to how on a previous Royal Rumble show (indeed the previous year's show) the Shield interfered on CM Punk's behalf against the Rock and when the commentators were yelling at Punk that the Shield had cheated on his behalf he was like "the Shield?" like he had never heard of him and it was *great.* Punk and Rollins kick each other pretty hard in a solid opening ninety-second interval (I would prefer two minutes but so long as the sixty-second abomination is never repeated I will hold my peace) and while some of Punk's big moves can look a little shitty sometimes there is nothing one can say against his jumping knee in the corner as that move is ideal; the one he hit on Cena in Chicago that they replayed a million times was amaaaaaazing. DAMIEN SANDOW is in at number two but in his exuberance he is back body-dropped over the top by CM Punk not long after young CODY RHODES enters at number four. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA CORPORATE KANE is in at number five wtf is Corporate Kane this is absurd so like he no longer serves the depths of hell he serves like the chief financial officer or something this is stupid well at least he is gone because CM Punk is an anti-corporate figure (you can tell from his anti-corporate tattoos on both of his shoulders). ALEXANDER RUSEV was an Olympic prospect for the Bulgarian powerlifting team which is an obscure credential but one I will certainly accept and he's got deep bellowing music and an old-timey strongman physique and I think this guy is totally alright and would be so in literally any era. Now we have JACK SWAGGER and I have always been strongly pro-Swagger and not just because he used to look a lot like my Aunt Shelagh (less so now that he has gotten kind of scruffy). The Tea Party gimmick is great, and Zeb's "Every 90 Seconds Another Illegal Crosses the Border" sign elicited a chuckle from the vicinity of my couch even though I am an open borders kind of guy! 

S.O.S. I HEAR DEM CRYYYYYIN for KOFI KINGSTON who will no doubt do something awesome but the role of high flying racial or ethnic minority has never really panned out at the highest level and race is fake but lol not in wrestling it isn't. For example, JIMMY USO is in next and because he is Samoan CM Punk's headbutt is ill-advised and he falls. CM Punk is a student of the game so he should know this about Samoans but I believe his character is also essentially a progressive so he is not going to proceed against a Samoan as though race is anything but an arbitrary social construct so yeah he head butts him but it didn't work. AHAHAHAHAHA YEEEEEAAAAHHHHH OK so a bunch of guys dumped Rusev over the top then Kingston gets tossed but *caught* by Rusev who just kind of sets him down on the barricade then Kofi runs and jumps a reallllly long way back into the ring and as neither of his feet (never mind both of them) touched the floor he is good to go! Last year he did that office chair pogo hop thing which was neat too but this was better I think. GOLDUST is number ten, and then DEAN AMBROSE enters to make that two Shield dudes. 

DOLPH ZIGGLER YES DO IT DOLPH ZIGGLER and the crowd loves this guy and they are infinitely right to do so and it is only a matter of time before he bounces around for people in the best way. I love him. He is however a showoff. How is R-TRUTH still working man good for him! He was in The Wrestler although not as much as Necro Butcher! There is no way they would ever put Necro Butcher in one of these is there which is I guess further evidence that you can't trust the system. Oh R-Truth (shoot name Ron Killings, right?) is out already as the Shield got him and also Jimmy Uso a second later ok. Kofi Kingston is hanging by his feet from the bottom rope; he has pulled off Jack Swagger's boot; Jack Swagger has been smote with it.

KEVIN NASH would have to be a surprise entrant I suppose and it occurs to me that Kevin Nash was probably right when he said that his horrible decisions as booker had very little to do with the demise of WCW which really needs to be considered in the broader context of the AOL/Time-Warner merger and a company whose stock value was in complete free fall and stuff like that. There is probably a lot to that argument but also Thursday Night Thunder was unwatchable man it was awful. 

ROMAN REIGNS is up next and let's just get it out in the open: Roman Reigns is beautiful; he is a beautiful man. He has Nathan Explosion hair and icy blue eyes and a very fine but not overwrought physique and if you can't admit that you want to be near him -- for whatever reasons and to whatever ends, but near him -- I don't think you are a serious person with whom I want to discuss ideas. He eliminates a ton of guys in no time, as well he should (of these several guys, I am sorriest to see Ziggler go). His father was Sika of the Wild Samoans and I was about to describe him as a second-generation Samoan but I guess he is probably like a zillion-generation Samoan going all the way back to like outrigger canoes and everything. I am so impressed by the history and pre-history of the Pacific Islands.

THE GREAT KHALI who totally killed a guy while learning how to pretend to fight (uh, don't do it that way?) is in next but the Shield get rid of him and then SHEAMUS comes in and I am totally in favour of Sheamus just because he is neat and yells FELLLLAAAAAA which makes no sense and he was a beast at a house show I went to with my brother at the Halifax Forum (we had a great time and I hope they come back soon). There are actually not that many dudes here right now: we've got the Shield, Punk, Sheamus, stupid idiot dumb THE MIZ who just came in, and yeeeeaaaah FANDANGO who has taken a fairly shitty gimmick with a fairly awesome theme song and has made it just straight-up work man what more can you say he is like the Undertaker of guys with ballroom dancing gimmicks. A solid DANIEL BRYAN chant gets going just before number twenty is called and it is EL TORITO and I don't know anything about this lil fella but he is telling me everything I need to know about him *immediately* which means he is an effective communicator and I not only respect but value what he is bringing to the table right now with all of these hurricanranas however I also value and respect that Roman Reigns has brought these comedy shenanigans to and end by tossing this feisty little guy over the top. ANTONIO CESARO is next and Zeb's sign is even better this time it says YOU COULD TIME IT YOURSELF BUT THEY STOLE YOUR WATCH haahahahaha what does that even mean that is tremendous. Cesaro giant swings dudes like he was that one guy in Tecmo Wrestling who was the only guy I ever finished the game with because everybody else's special move was too hard for me to do and also wasn't it strange that at the end of that game you had to pro-wrestle a demon? Like the only way to surmount this challenge from planar realms? It was great but I did not see it coming at the time and it is no easier to make sense of now.

LUKE HARPER is one of these Wyatt family cultists and damn he is bigger than Sheamus. These cultists are the real deal. The other Uso is number twenty-three and I love these Samoan dudes but I don't see it happening man. JBL points out in response to a question from the King that there have yet to be Royal Rumble winners from every entrance number but *of course* there haven't as their haven't been thirty Royal Rumbles yet DUHHHHHHHHH. JBL is actually the next entrant in the Rumble and I detest the thing where somebody goes from the announce table to the ring and then gets dumped right out. It does nothing for me. I am not opposed to all Royal Rumble comedy shenanigans or anything (I like the nostalgia guys and the occasional El Torito) but this particular thing leaves me cold and thank you Roman Reigns for ending that. Eric Rowan of the Wyatt family is in at like number twenty-five or something we are really getting down to it and this has been more than a little flat for a while but at least the Miz is out now (the Wyatt guys got him). HEY WHERE IS DANIEL BRYAN LET'S GET HIM IN THERE oooooooh shiiiiiiiit it is RYBACK with A SATCHEL OF BODYBUILDING DRUGS and I would never have guessed I would be in to this guy and honestly I am not entirely sure I am but remember how the last Royal Rumble wasn't that great until Ryback got in there and then shit popped off utterly and completely? So I don't know man there are a lot of variables to consider in something like that but I can't write him off completely. ALBERTO DEL RIO comes in at the vaunted number twenty-seven spot which has produced four winners (Big John Studd, Yokozuna, Bret Hart, Steve Austin). I am no less enthusiastic for his tobi-juji-gatame finisher now than I was the day I first saw it; also I have loved him since he threw a guy and broke that guy's arm in a Japanese mixed martial arts match; also he wore a mask and got kicked in the head by Mirko Cro Cop. He has lived, in short, a life. 

This is not really a good Royal Rumble at this point AND HERE IS THE ANIMAL BATISTA and he is getting booed pretty soundly which is maybe because he didn't do the machine gun arms dance with the fireworks and everything that everybody loves (I legitimately do). Batista tosses out Rowan and Ryback. There goes Del Rio, too, so there is really nobody in the ring right now I want to see win the Royal Rumble except I guess Punk but it would seem weird for him to win this year, wouldn't it? BIG E LANGSTON is in and he is the oiliest I have ever seen any professional wrestler in years, like this guy is upsettingly oiled at present. Only one entrant to go and the DANIEL BRYAN and YES chants are off the hoooooooook and then ahahahahahahaha it is REY MYSTERIO and lol everybody is furious, just booing all of Rey Mysterio's shit between moments of chanting DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP and now it is just a relentless chorus of boos like nobody is giving a shit about any of this right now it is just booing and I am not going to pretend to be above the fray on this one I am spiritbooing the shit out of this also because Daniel Bryan should be winning this Royal Rumble and he isn't even in it THIS IS BULLSHIT WHY WOULD THEY DO IT LIKE THIS and no that is not irony those caps represent my truest feelings unfortunately I am legit sad about this.

All kinds of stuff is happening like for example the crowd goes briefly nuts for Seth Rollins' elimination of Rey Mysterio who has been scapegoated pretty severely here and is being punished by the crowd for his non-Daniel-Bryanness which is understandable yet Rey Mysterio is not singularly in possession of this characteristic so it seems unfair somehow (I don't care though). Dean Ambrose tried to eliminate Roman Reigns which I mean yeah we are at the stage where alliances break down I guess but Roman Reigns turns the the tables a moment later and knocks out the other two Shield dudes as well as Cesaro and the Wyatt guy a moment before so he is going cré in there good for him he is a magnificent beast. 

So that makes it a final four of Roman Reigns, Sheamus, Batista, and CM Punk and this is horrible what are they even doing. It is a finisher fest for a sec with CM Punk seemingly having the upper hand but then ugggghhhhh jeeeeeeeeeesussssssss chriiiiiiist this is dumb they just had Corporate Kane (what is that even) pull CM Punk out over the top and no Daniel Bryan plus this nonsense re: CM Punk is gonna lead to a smark riot man lol like this is as serious an affront to workrate as you can get this is egregious and if there is one thing you don't mess with it is workrate am I right internet people who like wrestling lol I am making light of all of that kind of thing but do not mistake me I really hate that Daniel Bryan isn't in there and Punk was the last guy that it would make sense to have win and now it is Sheamus who won recently and Batista who won a while ago and who the fuck wants to see him in the main event of Wrestlemania and Roman Reigns who is awesome but it's way too soon for him like maybe in a year or two but not now WHAT ARE THEY DOING I DON'T LIKE THIS.

Also let me digress for a moment here and remind you that CM Punk was pulled out by a guy who was already eliminated and if you go back to the 1996 Royal Rumble (a Royal Rumble you can read about on this selfsame blog actually) there was a thing where (the man they call) Vader was eliminated and he came back in and tossed Shawn Michaels way the fuck out of the ring but they were like ok well that doesn't count because Vader was already eliminated so get back in there and do excellent stuff Shawn Michaels; there is also of course the Steve Austin/Bret Hart scenario in 1997; also if you go back to 1992 there was a thing where Randy Savage, in his fury, jumped over the top rope to the floor to handle some biz but they let him back in after like nothing happened because they were like lol Macho Man you are such a character man just do whatever. BUT MY POINT HERE is that that elimination is bullshit and I am not basing this on some abstract sense of order but on ACTUAL ROYAL RUMBLE PRECEDENT and I want to file a protest with the league or something because CM Punk was wrongfully disallowed from continuing in this Royal Rumble ALSO WHERE IS DANIEL BRYAN.

So whatever. Whoever wins this at this point it is dumb as I see it. Reigns has tied the record for most eliminations in a Royal Rumble, and good for him he is neat, but come on. As these three guys regain their feet for the big dash to the finish everybody just boos and keeps on booing. GOOD FOR THEM I HATE THIS. They are chanting NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO while signature moves are being deployed. The Wrestlemania sign gets pointed to and there are yet more boos and instead of chanting "Brogue" along with Sheamus the crowd chants NO NO NO which is pretty choice and then ok Reigns has broken the record as he eliminates Sheamus leaving just two guys in there getting booed for not being Daniel Bryan. The guy in the purple Macho Man shirt has not looked happy for a good long while. The crowd seems to want to get behind Roman Reigns here but they cannot completely forgive him for not being Daniel Bryan; smarklationship status: it's complicated. I think Reigns might have actually gotten hurt a little on a weird Batista spear that caught him on the thigh instead of up around the hips. Reigns spears him back a few moments later but then Batista tosses him out despite nobody giving a shit about Batista or maybe they do I don't actually know anything about this but I stand firmly with the dickhole crowd in Pittsburgh just booing the shit out of everyone with the audacity temerity and utter gall to not be Daniel Bryan. 

Realistically that might not have been the worst Royal Rumble match ever, as there were some mid-90s clunkers to be sure, and also both the 1998 and 1999 Attitude Era ones were just godawful, but this one made me just totally sad for like the last fifteen minutes and like why am I sad watching the Royal Rumble? This is an absurdity and not one that I will soon forget. Looking back at the show overall it was pretty good aside from the abysmal Royal Rumble match but there is little consolation in that I am afraid because the thing that really pulled the show up was THE DANIEL BRYAN MATCH AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH PUT HIM IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE HE IS THE BEST GUY AND BATISTA IS THE WOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSST

In conclusion, though, Batista is the worst.